The Cubs are playing the Cards this week in a three game series. In case you are new to this thing called Obsessing About the Cubs, this is like… well, I don’t know what to compare it to because I don’t live in a place of hate toward anything on a day-to-day basis. Except the Cardinals. And grocery stores.
You should not live in a place of hate toward anything, kids. Except the Cardinals. And grocery stores. (Yesterday a lady and I both backed out of our parking spots at the grocery store at the same time and almost hit each other and I refused to stop – I kept backing out and made her stop. “Just let me out of here, lady!!” I also did this because I didn’t like how she picked out her avocado. Hatred is not logical.) (Except hatred toward the Cards = logical.)
So last night when it was just me and the Husband at home because the kids are at the grandparents’ house for a couple days and we’re all yay! Let’s go out! Let’s have a date! Maybe we should do something with friends! Because it’s the first time we’re without kids since 1936, but then it went like this,
Me: Welllll….it’s just….the Cubs are playing the Cards.
Him: So, that’s what we’re doing then?
Me: Well, yes. But I’ll make you steak.
Now that we’re three/four weeks into the season, I’d like to teach you a little about obsession. Because I worry you’re not taking this seriously enough. We have to obsess or we will not help the Cubs enough!! This is on us, people!!
So here’s some tips to follow – I’ve given beginner level tips for you newbies and expert level tips for those of you who are ready for Next Level Fanning:
1. Stalk Like You Have Never Stalked Before: Follow the Cubs’ official Twitter, Facebook, Insta accounts. But don’t stop there. No, reach for gold: Follow the Cubs’ wives, girlfriends and player accounts. How else will you know how much Gina Grimm “love(s) this family #blessed”? Or how much Fowler and Russell love their babies (as in, real children, who, btw, are adorbssss)?
Beginner Level: follow @kris_bryant17 and @arizz_44
Expert Level: follow @grandparossy_3 and possibly every fourth picture on your camera roll on your phone is a Cubs screenshot.
2. Buy Rizzos: So Anthony Rizzo has a cereal out – you can find it at Jewel. Proceeds go to the Anthony Rizzo Family Foundation. The only thing that bothers me about this is whether or not Rizzos should have an apostrophe. Because if they are his cereal – yes, apostrophe. But if they are supposed to be just plural of him… then no? But that doesn’t make sense, because how is he a plural oat cereal?? I’m torn on this question. Your thoughts? THIS MATTERS.
Beginner Level: Buy a box
Expert Level: Buy four boxes of it even though you don’t even eat cereal. (My son does. He said they’re like Honey Nut Cheerios, but better because they are Rizzos. Boy gets it. )
3. Be familiar with the walk up songs of the Cub players.
Beginner Level: Add a couple to your playlist.
Expert Level: Add Juliana Zobrist’s song to the church playlist that plays before the service. What? Me?
4. Know when the Cubs play.
Beginner Level: Print out the Cub Schedule HERE. Keep track of wins/losses on it.
Expert Level: Go HERE to download the games directly to your calendar on your phone. It will put the games and times on there for you. And it lists it right in the middle of all your important things like: dry cleaning, Cubs vs Rockies. It’s like you are a necessary part of the Cubs and their winning. YOU is important!! Also, this way you can plan going out with people around the games on the calendar. Again: What?? Me??
Clicking on Show All Notes will tell you what channel it’s airing on the telly and after the game, clicking on that Show All Notes will tell you the outcome. This is helpful for people such as I who can’t remember stats. (I should note that a fellow Cub fan had to show me this and it made me realize 1) I loved her and 2) No Fan is an Island.)
5. Judge, Judge, Judge
It’s adorable that people are all being Cub fans this year. Where were you when we were hurting?? Let me put it this way: There are people who will, in passing, say, “so sorry you’re sick.” and move on with their lives. Then there are people who will drop chicken noodle soup off on your porch along with the latest issue of People and pick up any stray Kleenexes you’ve left about. Who’s the Real Friend??? That’s sort of how I play the game Fake or Real Fan:
Beginner Level: You can judge someone as not a real fan by noticing their bright, shiny Cub hat on when they go to the Jewel to buy their one box of Rizzos. NOT a real fan. (Tightness of shirt also a factor in this, but that’s a discussion for another day. #attentiongrantedhoney – she is clearly just a fan of herself.)
Expert Level: Cub Pez dispenser, Cub baseball, at least 5 Cub shirts and at least one Cub jersey and a partially faded Cubs bumper sticker on the car. Real Fan. This is like the equivalent of how committed Matthew McConaughey is to those Lincoln car commercials. If you aren’t Matthew McConaughey Committing the snot out of liking the Cubs… just don’t.
6. Follow Games At All Costs
Daughter’s first orchestra concert?
Beginner Level: Awww…. daughter, so proud!!
Expert Level: Keep the same motherly level of: Awwwww…daughter, so proud!!! But also: Follow pitch-by-pitch on MLB AtBat or the ESPN app gamecast. (Again, had to hear about that app from a fellow Cub fan…but now acting like I own ESPN’s gamecast as my own. This is how we do it, us stalkers.)
Team – we can do this. We can text our feelings and sit our butts on the chair and do this together. We got this. When they’re down 2-0: You go pour yourself a bowl of Rizzos and like/heart a Fowler pic. #weareexpertlevel